PART 1 ( INVISIBILITY)
I am tired of being a turtle.
Carrying everyone I love on my back.
Tired of being the peace maker …being diplomatic and smoothing feathers that are forever in the danger of being ruffled.
Tired of being a soldier….stepping gently through a minefield…being on guard all the time….to keep the peace that is so precious to me.
I love peace …I love quiet…I love the freedom to be me.
But I put all that on a waiting list. For those that I love.
No one asked me to do this. Not one of them put it into words. Yet here I am believing its my duty and feeling awful guilt if I don’t step up.
Im done. Im done longing for that quiet forest. Done yearning for that cool sea breeze. Done fighting to protect people who don’t have the faintest clue Im fighting for them. Done carrying burdens that are better off being put on the sidewalk. Done pausing my life. Im done.
Part 2 ” The puppeteer “
I am a home maker. I manage my family. Ummm I think I do rather well. I behave in a certain way so I get the desired outcomes from them. I hold each one’s string in my hand. It is after all , for their own good. I keep them away from trouble. I know what trouble is , I know whats best for them. Better than they do. What do they know? They are merely puppets. I mould them , I take care of them , I make sure they are never hurt. Why ? Well because I love them , don’ t I ?
My life is perfect.
So what if I have to watch not only each step they take ( to avoid them making mistakes of course , duh ! ) but also watch my own .
Because you see, it is a huge responsibility to manage them.
I cannot take a step without analyzing what it shall trigger in them. After all if I have the guts to be myself ..it might give them ideas…they might want to get some guts themselves. ( Shudder )
They are all perfect… as is my life. We all say what we should, we never step out of line.
I have a list of behaviours or key words to use in different situations. I know the responses each elicits. I use psychology , reverse or otherwise.
If it does’nt ,well, being sarcastic, or autocratic is always something I can fall back on. Worse scenario ever, well, I can always squeeze out some tears.
Part 3 ( Introspective )
What if ,one day, I acted on a crazy impulse and left it all behind ….and faced the world just as I am ..no layers …no masks…no pretense…just me…..raw …..damaged, but purely me ?
I think the day I did that , my soul would finally be set free..to love ,to enthuse , to be miserable , be joyous …to be fully and completely what ever I needed to be in that moment.
I think that day I would finally know what it is to breathe.
Part 4 ( Liberated )
I throw open the doors and windows of my home to let the sunshine in and the shadows out. To let whatever comes in freely and go out freely…..no restrictions, no control , no worrying, no tug of wars.
I give myself the freedom to be me…whatever is me ,in the moment….and my loved ones the freedom to be them , whatever they are, in the moment.
Ah to finally breathe…to experience the unconditionality of it all. The love , the joy unhindered and blossoming under the sun and fresh air that fills my home and my heart.